The big 'NO' - how we navigate declining a dance

We’ve all been there before. Maybe you’ve approached someone or maybe someone approached you on the dance floor asking for a dance. And the answer is ‘no.’ It’s a tricky situation to navigate at times, especially if you’re a new dancer. What does it mean for someone to decline a dance*, and why is it an essential skill all dancers should practice and feel comfortable using?

* In this article we aren’t going to go over how to navigate avoiding a dance with someone you aren’t comfortable dancing with. That is a separate conversation around consent and safe spaces and there are many resources out there that can help you with that.

Why ‘no’ is an essential part of social dancing

Etiquette is a big part of social dancing. Not only is it important for establishing a safe, healthy and consensual space for people to explore freedom and creativity with others, these ‘rules’ are also important for ensuring everyone is in control of their actions and aren’t obligated or forced to do something that makes them uncomfortable.

Not everyone has the stamina or willpower to dance 12 songs in a row. At some point you need a break. Or perhaps you’re enjoying people-watching, or perhaps you need to use the restroom, or perhaps you want to appreciate the band more, or perhaps you need to cool down, or perhaps…

The point is, there are a million reasons why you might not feel like dancing at this particular point in time. Saying ‘yes’ when you’d rather say ‘no’ doesn’t benefit anyone in the long run. You’re far less likely to enjoy the dance, and so will your partner - and if you’re not having fun - what’s the point??! Take that needed ‘me-time’ and step back onto the dance floor when you’re good and ready.

You don’t need a reason to say no

This is perhaps the most difficult bit around the whole ‘no’ conversation - the feeling that we must justify our reasons for declining a dance. This is absolutely not the case! Repeat it three times over “you don’t need a reason to say no, you don’t need a reason to say no, you don’t need a reason to say no.” Repeat it three more times for good measure.

No one is owed an explanation for declining a dance, and you aren’t obligated to give one. That doesn’t mean you must hide your reasons for saying no, it just means that you don’t want to dance right now, and the world just has to be OK with that.

And that flows nicely onto our next point…

The difference between ‘declining’ and ‘rejecting’

Two similar words - two drastically different meanings. We sometimes struggle to disassociate the two and interpret someone declining a dance as someone rejecting a dance with you, specifically.

Remember, it’s not all about you, so don’t take things too personally. You’re inserting your own agency into a situation it has no place being. You don’t know the reasons someone might not feel like dancing right now - chances are it’s got nothing to do with you. Remember, no one owes you a dance, and no one owes you an explanation. If you’re desperate to dance with this person, try asking them later (but don’t be too pushy).

As long as you adopt a constructive mindset around the concept of declining a dance, you’ll find you have a much better time. Remember the above point about having fun? If someone’s not feeling a dance right now, what’s to gain from forcing them? Just thank them for their honesty and find someone else.

Notes on consent:

Consent is a big part of swing dancing and our community. Read our code of conduct to learn more. If you or anyone you know is struggling with issues around safety and consent you can find places to get help at: https://www.mentalhealth.org.nz/get-help/in-crisis/helplines/